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This week in Counsellor’s Corner we will look at ‘surviving’ the teenage years.

You've lived through 2.00am feedings, toddler temper tantrums, and the back-to-school blues. So why is the word 'teenager' causing you so much worry?

When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but emotionally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.

Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from mum and dad and become more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in. Their peers often become much more important than parents as far as making decisions.

Kids often start 'trying on' different looks and identities, and they become very aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents.

Often there may be some conflict as the parent tries to keep their adolescent in the previous developmental stage of conformation. However, the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. To do this, teens must start pulling away from their parents — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can feel like teens are always at odds with parents or don't want to be around them the way they used to.

Parents of teens may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parents.  As kids progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. Eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults.

You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?" "Do I listen to my child?" and "Do I allow my teen's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"

Start with trust. Tell your teen that you trust him or her, but if the trust gets broken, he or she will enjoy fewer freedoms until it's rebuilt.

Think back, remember your own struggles, educate yourself. If you know what is coming up, then you can cope better. Help them to understand that it is Ok to be grown up one minute, then act like a kid the next.

Pick your battles. Sometimes teens want to shock their parents but save your objections to temporary things for issues that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol, or permanent changes to their appearance.

Set your expectations. They may be unhappy at first but usually they like the boundary that says, I care. Monitor what they read and see. It's not unreasonable to have mobile phones and computers off limits after a certain time.

Know their friends and know the parents’ friends. Keep these lines of communication between parents open as it can go a long way to keeping the adolescent safe.

As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code.

Remember the motto of many parents with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!

Adapted from an article on Kids Health website.

Josie Ashby | Wellbeing Counsellor 

Mairead Mackle | Student Counsellor

Laura Herbert | Student Counsellor

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